Parenting by the Book, 2021

Meeting Little Guy!

Becoming Nonna

Nearly three years ago I became a grandparent! At that time, like any rational woman, I took it to Google to discover what was out there for Grand-meres - with so many amazing, beautiful, cool, hilarious sites for today’s Mothers and Fathers you’d think there would be just as many similar sites for grandparents. I was looking for others willing and able to assist with humor and panache on how to be a grandparent. Or a site which nailed it visually for what it means to Nonna-it with grace, love, silliness and intelligence.

What did I find along these lines for grandparenting?

Nada. Zippo. Zilch.

---

Not even trying to get up

And I realized we - grandparents - have fallen down on the job and are not even trying to get up.

In my search for a resource on how to be an awesome grandmother, I realized there is a plethora -- no, a tidal wave of contradictory parenting information and resources online. Parenting how-to books, programs, as well as social media influencers are part of a billion dollar industry which encourages parents to believe there must be a right way to "parent" a child to insure said child will grow to be a specific kind of adult.

This is not true.

Thinking of parenting as a job with success or failure markers along the way is a fertile mind-set for growing a bountiful crop of anxiety and distress for the whole family. With so many different experts how do you know which one is right? And what happens if you commit to one expert's path, but are not very good at implementation?  Can you pick and choose from different experts or will that mess up your child for life?

Experts are important, but being the Mom or Dad your child needs requires something different -- something more -- than being able to apply how-to information. Moms and Dads could use someone with lived experience to serve as a support, a sounding board, to figure out what that something different might be. And, historically, their own parents -- grandparents -- filled this need.

---

What's missing? And why?

In the past century we have moved rapidly from a rural, agrarian based society to one which is significantly more urban centered: more than 82% of our population lives in urban areas today compared to 50% in 1920.  Along the way there have been seismic changes to the structure, as well as the concept, of family.  In the early 20th century the average household size was 5.55 persons, but our average family today is 2.58 persons. A more mobile, urban society creates looser kinship networks because we are less likely to live in close proximity to our extended families.

I am not an elder-someone who thinks everything in the past was better than today -- look, I remember using my grandparents' outhouse as a child ... indoor plumbing is definitely better.  But the one thing we miss out on by not living near extended families is the chance to grow up watching and experiencing siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins helping to raise younger children.  This is not to say we should return to by-gone days; it's just to acknowledge this one difference in family dynamics feeds into the idea that expert guidance is necessary for success in your journey as a parent.

---

Found family

While I firmly believe every family needs grandparents, it's just not the case that every family has grandparents nearby. Fortunately, many younger families create their own found-family structures -- like-minded friends who step into some of the traditional extended family roles in their children's lives.

If you are building a found-family, you are most likely thinking carefully about who you want in your family's circle. For me, grandparents are those wonderful people who want you to be the best parent possible and will

• trust your parenting choices and avoid giving advice
• do anything they can to support you on your parenting journey
• always speak the truth with kindness & gentleness, but only when you ask more than once
• love your children while trying really hard to not give them too much candy, and
• remind you over and over and over that you are the Mom or Dad your child needs.

---

Trust yourself

Perhaps the final bullet-point is the most important one listed above -- grandparents are those people who love your children enough to encourage you to be the Mom or Dad your child needs. If you are reading closely, you will notice this statement is more about your relationship with your child than "parenting" your child. It's less about what you do, and more about who you are in your child's life.

While it might feel as if you don't know what you are doing or how to be a good parent, you've got this - really, truly. The basics of being a good parent involve your attention to and care of your child. That's it.

---

Sounding board

 This has been a longer post -- thank you, if you've made it this far -- but I wanted to give context for why I've decided to review parenting books this year. It's a question of giving advice versus being a sounding board.

If I were going to give advice to my Daughters and Sons about raising children, I would encourage them

• to learn the basics of human development - physical, cognitive and emotional stages for childhood and adolescence 
• choose the influencers and experts they follow with care -- remember, not all the glossiness of social media is truthful and comparing yourself or your child to others is rarely a good idea
  
• to trust their instincts and experience when assessing advice from any source.
  

But I don't like giving advice and would much rather be a sounding board! As a sounding board I can listen, ask questions and offer my own experience as a way to help my Daughters and Sons find their own answers in raising their children.

It's the same for reading parenting books by experts. I can read, ask questions along the way and compare what I'm reading to my lived experience. And I can share my thoughts with you, not as advice, but as a sounding board to see if this particular book resonates with you and your experience as a parent.

---

Watch for the first parenting book review next Thursday,
Nonna