What If?
Toni Morrison certainly had a way of doing language. When she wrote in 2004 "No Place for Self-Pity, No Room for Fear," the Iraq War had begun and the political atmosphere was filled with conflict and division. Sound familiar? Morrison's essay is encouraging - and, unfortunately, as pertinently scathing - 20 years later.
Morrison was writing to artists to speak out, to create, to bring healing to this division through their work. I think Morrison may have unintentionally left listening out of "do language" because artists reflexively listen to the culture around them. But what if? What if we substituted "people" for "artists"? How would we listen, speak, write, do language in our day-to-day lives to bring healing in the midst of division? Fearing Aliens - oh, wait. I meant Neighbors.
Are our neighbors aliens from an extraterrestrial world?
People, it's only been two and half years - March, 2022 - since we began the return to normalcy after the pandemic closures. But the election clearly indicates we don't know each other - if we ever did. We do not really know our neighbors and we treat them as if they are aliens from another planet whom we must fear. The pandemic drew into sharp relief the value of making space in our lives for others. Spending time with family and friends, chatting with acquaintances, being politely friendly with the cashier were all things I took for granted in the before times. After months of avoiding most social situations - picking up pre-ordered groceries or buying things online, and generally keeping to a very close circle of people - my social graces were somewhat rusted. I think this may have been true for many people. But something else also happened along the way. We became afraid - more so than before. Fear cuts through - no, it annihilates - civil discourse. Being afraid hampers listening, speaking, writing, doing language. We focused too much on our own safety. We spent too much time listening to and reading like-minded people. Our circles of online communities became as "small" as our physical communities. We developed habits that kept us intellectually isolated once we emerged from the pandemic - all of which provided space in our hearts and minds for the hardening of our differences. Add in the growth of misinformation, aka lies, across the spectrum in our news and social media and it is no wonder we feel like we are living in two different countries. It is no wonder we fear others who are different. It's no wonder we don't do language with our neighbors who are different from us. Talking is Only Half of Doing Language
As a child, I loved watching the original Star Trek series -- Uruha was my favorite -- because I could imagine a place bigger than my family and life. I certainly didn't understand everything I saw on Star Trek, but the idea of space where I could meet new people became a part of my Boomer psyche.
Space. Something greater and beyond me. A place of unknowns. Maybe dangerous, but maybe wonderful. Definitely foreign. All the crew had to do was risk everything once a week "to seek out new life and new civilizations." Aside from James T. Kirk's reactionary response to many of the crew's situations -- which made for good television -- the series' basic concept of looking for and communicating with different civilizations is a pretty good metaphor for where we find ourselves now. Oh. And the reason Uruha was my favorite? Uruha was all about communicating -- I understood talking -- with new people! My 8-year-old little heart loved the idea that talking with aliens was cool. And that 8-year-old heart is still with me. And yet... It's taken a life-time to really understand that the most important aspect of doing language is listening. Uruha was always listening - in the vast silence of space, she was the only one on the show who was always listening. She wanted to hear those voices unfamiliar to her ears. Just in Time for Holiday Dinners
After the election, holiday dinners are going to be even more difficult than we may be able to imagine - choose wisely how you will interact with family. As parents, you know you are modeling behavior during what could be the creation of core memories for your children. You also know that listening is your first wise choice when sibling-squabbles are brought to you for mediation - use this same skill, same attitude with your adult family members!
Perhaps it's time to adopt such a listening stance with all of our neighbors? If Toni Morrison was with us now, what would she write? Perhaps she would simply reiterate her essay closing: "I know the world is bruised and bleeding, and though it is important not to ignore its pain, it is also critical to refuse to succumb to its malevolence. Like failure, chaos contains information that can lead to knowledge—even wisdom." Nonna
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 Photo by Joshua Forbes on Unsplash A Place of Hope Raising children is perhaps one of the most difficult life-long tasks we tackle as adults - definitely rewarding, but oh, so hard for so many reasons. Recently - well in the last year - one of my Daughters expressed a concern about how her life-decisions would impact the well-being of her children. It was a hard conversation; maybe I asked helpful questions, listened well and offered my thoughts while avoiding the giving of advice. (She will let me know if I failed!) You see, I know both of my of Daughters make thoughtful decisions for themselves and their children, but sometimes talking through something distressing gives them the chance to re-frame their concerns. In this case, to remember that their child's world can be a place of hope - a place of goodness, possibility and opportunity. Raising Hope-Filled Children When you type "what habits will foster hope in my children," into your AI chatbot or search engine, you will get really useful ideas about habits that promote a hopeful attitude. But I think the focus of the question is a bit off - yes, it's important to teach good mental and emotional habits to our kiddos. But, I believe raising hope-filled people is first about who you are as a parent - whether or not you live out hope - than what you can teach your child to do. In other words, the first question is do I live in a way that shows my kiddos the world is good and filled with possibilities and opportunity for them? And this is an impossibly hard thing to do when you feel like half the country has not just let you down in this election, but has actively expressed hatred for your existence. Rose-Colored Glasses & Hope Did you know that rose-colored glasses aid in the recovery from a concussion? My Daughter - the other one - continues to experience vision problems from a concussion experienced earlier this year and her doctor recommended rose-tinted glasses to improve her visual comfort. The therapy blocks the light-waves causing headaches, vision problems, confusion and impaired balance so that you can continue with your daily activities. Uh, wow. The idiom "seeing the world through rose-colored glasses" takes on a deeper meaning. Often, we dismiss the idea of seeing the world with a positive mind-set as ignoring reality - it's unrealistic or dangerous to see the world through rose-colored glasses. But what if seeing the world with a hope-filled attitude not only allows us to clearly see what is in front of us without so much of the associated pain, but helps us to address the problem? Are you hopeful? Do you think the world is good, filled with possibilities and opportunities? Do you live this belief out-loud? Tempered with Truth One of the more profound hurts we inflict on one another is when someone we love lies to us. It's a betrayal at so many levels. If it's your parent who lies? Oooph. And wearing really dark rose-tinted glasses - toxic positivity - is as harmful as a lie simply because it is a lie. This is one of the reasons many families choose to avoid the whole Santa Claus is real story - I am all for mystery and wonder and imagination, but I get that many people are scarred by discovering St. Nicholas really doesn't come down the chimney. Indiscriminately looking at the world through rose-colored glasses creates similar problems. We know not to lie to our children or unrealistically sugar-coat information, but how do we share the hard things in a truth-filled way that is appropriate for their age and shares hope? Think of sharing difficult truths using the following approach:
And practice this approach with lots of the smaller challenging truths - for example the Santa Claus story - so it's a habit when the more difficult truths pop up. And more difficult truths will pop-up over the next few years. You Need to Find Your Hope There are so many things you could do, so many habits to instill and skills to teach you children that will foster a hopeful mind-set - and you should do these things - but for your children, the first step towards hope begins with you. And in the midst of the terrible results from this election, you need to find your hope. Every parent is capable of living a hope-filled life. Even when times are discouragingly hard. I believe in you - you've got this, Nonna
 Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash Post-Election Parenting Democracy in the United States is the longest-running-government-by-the-people-experiment in the world. There are ups and downs, wins and losses regardless of your political beliefs or goals. And our own history will show us that a minority of voters have time and again attempted to subvert the will of the majority - don't get me started on the reasons we have an electoral college. It is possible, following November 5th Election Day results you, and your children, may
Big Post-Election Emotions How do we address really BIG post-election feelings? Whether it's negative or positive, what are some simple ways to help yourself and your child? Create space and time to talk about you or your child's feelings.
What Happens Next? When Boss was teaching our daughters to drive he had a first rule:
The first rule of parenting?
If you are uncertain about what happens next, don't lie to yourself or your kiddos - it's best to avoid an "everything will be fine" sentiment. Yes, I firmly believe our democracy is resilient, but in this case it may not be fine - it may be a dumpster fire! But our job as parents it to make sure our children - big & little - know we will keep them safe even if we have to figure it out as we go. First Parenting Rule in Action:
Your Voice Matters: Empowerment & Agency If we are disappointed & despondent over election results, what can we do? Government policies impact our lives in so many ways, it can be overwhelming when our candidate loses. But remember you have a voice in democracy! (And if your candidate wins, then these suggestions and ideas can keep the momentum going while your child develops their own sense of power to control their life.) First, remind yourself that democracy is resilient as long as we are willing to put our actions on the line. Then, identify the issues or concerns important to you, to your family. Civil and human rights activism has a long history in our nation even when moving forward quickly is not always guaranteed. And finally, the big question now is what will you do - what will your activism look like? Climate change?
Equity/Social Justice Concerns?
What about Homelessness?
Certainly these are not even near all the issues which are in need of attention in our country, just ideas to get you thinking. What is important is that children learn that doing something meaningful in the face of loss and frustration will give them agency - it will also make them feel better. It may be hard, but you've got this, Nonna
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